Thursday, September 22, 2011

Shopping notes

Today, I had some "me" time. It makes me happy, giddy, and tolerable to have some guilt free alone time. I decided to do a little shopping because my closet is, well, pitiful. I convinced myself (and hopefully Josh will follow) that I am spending too much money on All clothing detergent rewashing the same 3 things and could break even by expanding my wardrobe, whilst saving myself time doing laundry. Is that too much of a stretch? I don't think so!

As easy as summer sundresses and t'shirts are, I am so excited about fall weather and fall clothing. Boots and sweaters make me smile. But, today, as I went from store to store, I discovered that I'm not sure what my style is. I want to be fashionable yet age appropriate; comfortable but not sloppy. I'm thinking Jennifer Anniston casual, but I feel more like I have been channeling Brittany Spears casual . . . you know roots showing, sweatshirts, cut off jean shorts, old flip flops and maybe one too many "yalls".

Anyway, after my short time at the mall, I have a few letters to write . . .

Dear Forever 21,
I would like to suggest that you change the name of your store to "If you are too much over the age of 21, you have no business even considering most of the stuff in this store, so keep on moving unless you are here to purchase a gift for one of your babysitters." Maybe that's too long, but let me just say the bodies and sensibilities of those of us in our 30's and beyond can attest to the fact that the only thing that stays forever after the age of 21 is the hope that you will get carded.
PS . . . no other store in this mall EXCEPT MAYBE Gymboree would call that a small. Minuscule maybe, but NOT SMALL. Unless you meant for that much midriff to show, in which case, please see the body of this letter for why it didn't work for me.

Dear employee of the Gap,
At 10 am on a Thursday morning, a LARGE if not TOTAL majority of your customers are stay at home wives or moms. (I'm sure there are a few exceptions.) Given that statistic, perhaps LOUDLY stating that you could "NEVER JUST BE A STAY AT HOME WIFE" and you mean "NEVER!!" is a bad idea. Some (ahem, ME) might find it off-putting and offensive and wish we had enough money in our clothing budget and that you worked on commission so we could reenact the scene from Pretty Woman and come in with our Banana Republic or Francesca's purchases to point out that you made a big mistake. Big. Huge.

Dear ALL clothing stores,
If it's poncho-ish or in the shade of camel or grey, go ahead and put it in my dressing room. There is a high likelihood of me trying it on and a similar chance of me purchasing it.

Dear Self,
When auditioning perfumes, SMELL the nozzle BEFORE you shoot that test squirt into the air. This will allow you to 1) preview it to make sure it's not so heinous you don't want to proceed and 2) see which way the spray hole is. This may prevent you from squirting the scent that makes you nauseous and head achy right onto yourself and smelling it for the next 8 hours.

The end.

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