I wasn't the mom that I wanted to be this summer.
Sometimes, I was better. Some days, I really nailed the mom thing. We had donuts and we swam and we laughed and connected. Some days, I was intentional and had a meaningful one on one moment with multiple kids. There were days when I fought the urge to Facebook blast my awesomeness.
Sometimes, I was even more than the mom I wanted to be, I was the mom I needed to be. Some days, I said no. Some days, I made them use their money. Sometimes, I followed through with consequences that sucked for all of us. Sometimes, I modeled Jesus and selflessness and love even when it wasn't what I wanted to do. There were even days when we didn't use electronics.
And sometimes, more times than not, I would like to think that I showed them how much we all need Jesus. Which is a really nice way of saying, I blew it a lot. We didn't read everyday. There was no Bible verse memorized as a family. We used more than our fair share of electricity. We yelled. We fought. We ignored. We went to bed without goodnights. We ate junk. We were out of groceries. We didn't play a board game that lasted for days. And don't get me started on the condition of our house.
The honest truth is, the older my kids get, the harder the first day of school is for me. Did we have enough fun this summer? Will they want to come home when they grow up because we have great memories and traditions worth coming back for? I have THREE more first days with Caroline. HOLY CRAP. There is so much I meant to model for her. And teach her. And I am pretty sure that all I have done is model that I don't have it all together.
So. This year, instead of giving into the panicked, crippling guilt that I feel creeping up, I am going to try to believe that I really have shown them that we need some Jesus up in here everyday to make any of this work and worth it.
If I am perfect, if I have it all together, if I can be the mom that I want to me ALL BY MYSELF . . . then what? Then I have missed the chance to teach them that I can do all things through Christ, that His power is made perfect in MY weakness, that it is God who works in me to will and work for His good pleasure.
I learned well before their first birthdays that none of my kids were perfect. So why am I trying to pretend that I can be?
I was NOT the mom that I wanted to be this summer. I won't be the mom that I want to be this fall-despite the goals we set and the good intentions that I have to do it ALL WELL. But, I do have the ability to point them to the only One who will ever be everything that they need and who will give them more than they can ask or imagine. And I guess, once I settle my pride, that's even better than being the mom that I wanted to be.
3 days ago