sometimes you have a day where you just want to wallow. today is not necessarily one of those days for me, but i had one recently. you know the kind--you just want to go ahead and let yourself feel how you feel. and to make matters worse, for part of that time i felt bad for feeling bad. you want to ruin a good self-pity kind of day? feel guilty for feeling that way--guilt, by the way, is never the kind of emotion i like to wallow in.
but sometimes you do have a day where you want to wallow. sometimes you don't want to put your chin up and acknowledge that someone somewhere has it worse than you or count your blessings--you just want to say that life sucks for that moment and it sure does look like a noticeable amount of people have it better. sometimes my husband is a jerk (sorry, Josh) and my kids are handfuls (and not the good kind) and my house is a wreck and my thighs feel jiggly and i wish i could take back 98% of what i have said or done that day. sometimes i wonder if i am successful or will ever feel successful. sometimes i wonder if i will ever feel rested or be able to sleep in without feeling bad or behind. sometimes i just want the remote for my car to work every time i try it (or at least while it's raining and i have bags in my hand and a couple of my kids in tow.) sometimes i have to tell my 4 year old to hurry because there isn't time to stop and lick the snocone before we miss the window to make it to the carpool line before it winds around and ends up throwing off getting Bo to therapy on time (curse you blog writer who quit telling her daughter to hurry and now taunts me with guilt when i use that phrase).
anyway, i decided on one of those days, that sometimes that's ok. i don't think that God intended us to be chipper and glass half full all the time. i don't. i'm pretty sure people don't enjoy being around people who never seem to so much as stub their toe (and i'm pretty sure that sometimes i try to be that person to keep from appearing to be a bitter betty or a sad sally or a burden to anyone.) anyway, i'm pretty sure that God planned on us being sad or overwhelmed from time to time since He suggested we cry with those who cry and mentioned in the Bible that there is a time to weep. so i guess it's ok to camp there for a period of time as long as i remember that He doesn't want us to live there.
but just so you know . . . sometimes i wake up and i can't believe how blue the sky seems. sometimes i cannot believe that i get to live the life i have. sometimes i look up from my book at the pool (yes, i just used the word book and pool in the same sentence) and i see my kids playing with each other and laughing and they can all swim and i remembered money for the snack bar during adult swim and it's only 80-something in august and i can't imagine that i could ever feel anything but happy. sometimes i serve a nutritious dinner that people like and sometimes the laundry is not just done, it's also put away and all the beds are made. sometimes i can list things that i like about myself and my husband and my kids all at the same time. sometimes the diet dr. pepper is the perfect amount of fizzy. sometimes i wake up before my alarm and sometimes i run faster and further than i thought i could. sometimes i am keenly aware of my blessings and have the chance to reach out to someone less blessed that moment.
so at those times, i will be thrilled that there is also a time for laughing and a time for dancing and i will happily camp there for a while too.
3 days ago